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KEY POINTS
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During the teen years, your child’s body grows into a man's or woman’s body. Your teen’s emotions, thinking, and behavior will also change. Your child is trying to decide the kind of person he or she will be as an adult. A major goal during these years is for your teen to learn how to be independent and self-sufficient. It’s not an easy time for your teen or for you. You have new things to think about such as curfews, dating, driving, drugs, and how to respond to behavior that you may not like.
Here are some of the things you can expect, and ideas for how to respond.
Hormones cause physical and emotional changes for your teen. Girls will develop breasts, pubic hair, and start having menstrual periods. Boys will develop muscle mass, facial and body hair, bigger genitals, and voice changes.
Think back on your own teen years. You may have struggled with acne, body changes, and feeling self-conscious at times. Think about what helped you with these issues.
Your teen is likely to try different looks and identities. This can cause stress and conflict between you and your teen. If your teen wants to dye his or her hair blue, paint fingernails black, or wear unusual clothes, think twice before you object. Part of being a teen is fitting in with friends and becoming more independent. It may work best to let some things go and focus on talking to your teen about other issues such as drugs and alcohol. If something does not put your teen in danger, let your teen make the choices and learn from the consequences.
Puberty brings changes to the sleep-wake cycle. Your teen will probably be most alert in the evenings and not able to fall asleep until late in the evening. Teens need about 8 or 9 hours of sleep. If your teen needs to get up early for school or work, this means that your teen may not get enough sleep. Lack of sleep can cause moodiness as well as problems with attention and memory. Lack of sleep also makes night driving hard for your teen. Most accidents happen between 9 PM and 2 AM. To help your teen get enough sleep:
Parenting a teenager is a balancing act. You need to balance your actions and attitudes. You still need to provide structure and guidance. However, be prepared to let your teen make decisions and become more independent.
Don’t always try to prevent your teen from making bad decisions. Learning how to make good decisions often involves making some bad decisions. Expect that your teen will make some mistakes and face some uncomfortable consequences.
Wanting to spend less time with family members is normal for your teen. Friends become very important. Your teen thinks constantly about what friends think, what friends believe, how they dress, and what they do. Your teen will spend a lot of time on the phone or computer, texting, or hanging out with friends. Your teen may want to look confident and cool in front of friends and may have a shift in things your teen likes to do. This may be a genuine change of interest, or it may be an effort to fit in with peers.
Peer pressure becomes a problem when your teen’s friends encourage something that is dangerous or against the law. The teen years are a time to experiment and that may include sex, drugs, alcohol, and smoking. Although your teen may know something is harmful, your teen may choose to do it because your teen wants to be liked, to fit in, or to be accepted.
Get to know your teen’s friends and their parents. Make sure an adult will be home when your teen visits a friend or attends a party. Monitor how your teen spends money and uses social media.
If your teen asks you for advice, try to describe the pros and cons in a brief, impartial way. Ask some questions to help focus on the main risks. Be clear in your preferences, but also give your teen the chance to make a good decision. For example, you might say, "I think drinking alcohol at your age is very dangerous. I trust you to do the right thing." Teens that can resist peer pressure are those who have a strong sense of self and the confidence to say no.
Brainstorm with your teen about ways to handle tough situations and ways you can support your teen. For example, "If you find yourself in a place where kids are drinking alcohol, call me and I'll pick you up — and there will be no scolding or punishment." The more prepared your teen is, the better able your teen will be to handle high-pressure situations.
It is not always easy to discuss sex with your child. However, it is important to help protect your teen from unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases or infections (STDs or STIs). Whether your teen admits it or not, your teen may have many questions and needs the facts. It's not possible for you to be with your teen 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, so the best you can do is give information and let your teen know that you are there to listen and provide support.
Your teen will likely act unhappy with your rules and expectations. However, without rules, your teen may feel you don't care.
Your teen may argue or want to negotiate. It may help to think of this as a way to teach your teen how to make good decisions and how to resolve conflicts in a respectful way. Your teen will sometimes do things just to rebel. It’s a way to prove that he or she can be independent. Even though your teen tells you to back off, your teen still needs and wants your guidance.
For safety reasons, you should always know where your teen is going, when your teen will be back, what your teen is doing, and with whom. Let your teen know that you trust him or her but know that sometimes your teen will break the rules.
Let your teen know what will happen if he or she breaks the rules such as loss of cell phone, TV, computer or game time, and car privileges. If your teen breaks something, he or she should repair it or pay for its repair or replacement. If your teen is doing poorly in school, you can use these same consequences.
It helps if you have built a loving, trusting relationship with your child. This makes it easier for your teen to talk honestly with you. Let your teen speak their mind and respect their opinions. Your teen is more likely to talk with you if your teen feels you will really listen and try to understand.
Expect mood changes and be prepared for conflict. Often, your teen will feel that life is all good, such as when going on a date, or all bad such as not being invited to a party. When in a bad mood, your teen may not want to talk about it with you. If teens want to discuss a problem with anybody, it is usually with a close friend. Expect your teen to want lots of space and privacy.
Part of learning to be independent is developing opinions. This means that your teen will express differences of opinion and argue with you. Your teen may resent your limits and attempts to help and respond with anger or defiance. At times your teen may come across as rude and unreasonable. “I hate you” may really mean “I don’t like this rule.” You can respond with a comment like, "It really hurts me when you say that." Make your statement without anger if you can. What you are trying to teach is that everyone has the right to disagree and even to express anger, but that screaming and rudeness are not OK. Be patient. You may need to deal with an issue more than once.
Communicating while sharing hobbies or sports can be a comfortable way to keep up with what your teen is thinking. For example, you can golf, play baseball, go to movies or plays, or shop together. You could also use car time as a way to spend one-on-one time with your teen. If you are driving your teen to an appointment or to a friend’s house, try to use this time to talk rather than driving in silence or with the radio turned up. Go out for ice cream or take your teen out for a meal on the way to or from another activity. This does not require your teen to miss out on other events with friends. Dinnertime or family game nights are also good times to talk about your day and ask your teen about his or her day.
When your teen talks about their concerns, stop what you’re doing and listen. Let your teen know that you are there to guide, listen, and provide support. Let your teen know that you love him or her no matter what.
If your child has any of these problems on a regular basis, it may be time to see a counselor or therapist:
Get emergency care if your child or teen has thoughts of suicide or self-harm, violence, or harming others.